im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
