It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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