Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Floor bacon is actually really good
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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