I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize