I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize