I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
