I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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