worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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