Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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