i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
