So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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