so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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