exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
