Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
