did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize