Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
