Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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