My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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