You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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