tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
