she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
