Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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