It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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