dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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