I'd wear matching sweaters with you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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