seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
