i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
