Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
