I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize