i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
