She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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