Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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