If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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