I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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