I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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