dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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