I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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