i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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