my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
