it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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