i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
