The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
