Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
