you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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