I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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