Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
