And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
