My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
