Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
