When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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