He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
