Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
