It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
