i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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