Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
