I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
