I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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