I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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