The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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